The 'Not so Artic' Incident
by Heeto
Summary: Artemis has stumbled onto the wizarding world, a thriving magic-based people he was completely unaware of. At first one imagines his frustration at not having known about such a thing, but then one realizes the excitement our young genius is experiencing.


**Title:** _The 'Not-so-Arctic' Incident _

**Rating:**_ PG-13_

**Genre:** _Action/Adventure-Humor_

**Setting:** _Artemis Fowl/Harry Potter Crossover. Let's get the setting placed, so there's not to be any confusion. Likely there will be anyway, but that's just human manner. Can't be helped, I'm afraid. It is the magic-user's lovely 6th year, and young Artemis has dawned the age of 14. A few details may be fine-tuned from both books to better fit my plot - if you are to flame me, at least refrain from using the word 'wacky' as I detest that word. _

**Summary:** _Artemis has stumbled onto the wizarding world, a thriving magic-based people he was completely unaware of. At first one imagines his frustration at not having known about such a thing, but then one realizes the excitement our young genius is experiencing. I almost feel bad for the wizards, really..._

**Disclaimer:** _Artemis Fowl, and all related characters and settings, belong to Eoin Coffer. Harry Potter, and all related characters and settings, belong to J.K.Rowling. May we all bask in the glorious ambience of hard-worked creativity._

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**Chapter One**

The Odd Meeting of Dobby

_Better to wear rags, some say, then to have been kidnapped by Artemis Fowl._

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-(Artemis's POV)-

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_Artemis's Bedroom_

_3:42 AM_

_WAS in a good dream._

_----------------- _

I was sitting completely upright in my bed before I even realized I was awake. My body had awoken before my mind had - that was rare in itself. I searched out the dark corners of my large bedroom, but I could only make out odd shadows, no doubt obscured by what little imagination I had.

This was what I got for going to bed on time, in my bed and without so much as a 'This can not wait Butler.' Speaking of my bodyguard . . .

"Butler?"

"Yes, Artemis?"

Figured as much. Butler was always present when something wasn't right. I gave an annoyed growl, as I had been previously dreaming about Holly begging me for help for something or other . . . With a hardly stifled yawn, I laid back onto my pillow, the soft linen feeling cool against my cheek.

_Wait . . . ._

I sat bolt upright again, enraged at my own stupidity. Butler was in my room! "What's wrong?" I snapped, the bite of my anger getting directed at the large bodyguard.

Butler was unperturbed by my harsh retort, seemingly waiting until I would catch on. "I don't know exactly, sir," he answered flatly. "Someone is in the house . . ."

I snorted flippantly. House? Try the largest manor in Dublin and one of the largest estates in Europe. But now was not the time to correct Butler's use of terms, now was the time to worry about who was IN the largest manor in Dublin. Or I should have worried, but I didn't. I AM Artemis Fowl, after all.

"Did you see them on the monitors?"

"No," he admitted. Then his face grew grave. "But I can sense them."

On any other day, with any other person, with such little evidence, I would have pointed out that they woke me up in the middle of a fine dream, and then promptly go back to sleep. Not tonight though. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I could 'sense' it too. And not with Butler because, well . . . he was Butler.

I tarried my way out of bed and onto the hardwood floor, the cold surface sending chills up and down my arms. "Butler!" I hissed, wondering why my voice had dropped to a whisper. I felt like someone was watching me . . . above me, rather. Deciding to follow this instinct, I craned my head backwards, gazing up at my high placed ceiling. I could almost make out a darker form amidst the already dark ceiling, but it was hard to tell for sure. Suddenly, right in the middle of the dark form, two large yellow circles emerged. Eyes!

"Artemis!" Butler warned, but it was too late. Something collided with my shoulders, sending me reeling into my hard floor with a few sickening cracks. Colorful circles were forming in front of my eyes and a wave of nausea hit my stomach.

Through my deranged countenance, I saw a greasy face come within inches of mine. "Fowl!" it whispered, before grabbing me around the waist. My world turned upside down as it hauled me onto it's shoulders, hopping towards the window. I felt my face pressed against something rough and incredibly putrid in smell. Somewhat like a very old, very well-used dish towel. I also realized my face was very close to the ground. In theory then, the creature holding me couldn't be more than a few feet tall. This perked my interest. As painful as it was, I managed to twist my neck just enough to see a glimpse of the back of the creature's head. Pointed ears! It had to be an--

"Elf," came a low voice. Yes, it never made it more than a few feet, as Butler had stepped in it's path. "Release Master Fowl," he continued calmly, as if he were asking the creature to simply 'pass the jam' at supper time. I wanted to kill him. It was an uncomfortable enough position as it was, being flung over an elf's shoulder, without him delaying it any longer.

He probably pitied the thing and wanted to avoid confrontation. _I_, on the other hand, wanted to avoid reminiscing my last meal. "Butler! You overgrown softie - get _on_ with it already!"

"Step asides, human, or I is forced to use magic on yous!" The creature growled in defiance, tightening his grip rather painfully on my waist. I didn't push Butler any farther. There was no point getting on the wrong end of magic, if you could help it. This elf could be running on hot, or carrying lots of weapons and that wouldn't be good. Though, I doubted he was one of the more intelligent ones, his grammar seemed to be rather on the poor side.

However . . . he was still in my house - a human dwelling. "I order you to put me down!" I raged, struggling for effect. As I had thought, his strength exceeded my own and he held me steady.

As I had NOT thought, however, he replied with an amused chuckle. "You isn't the boss of me. Only Dumbledore cans order Dobby around."

_WHAT?!_

"What kind of no account elf are you?! What makes you think you are above the book?! Above listening to a human?! I just gave you an order and you--"

I yelped slightly as I was dropped to the floor. Slightly baffled as to what had just happened, I turned to see the elf run to my bed post. I wasn't too fond of being baffled. But as the elf started pounding his head on the wooden beam, my confusion only expanded.

"Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!" the pitiful elf wailed in between smacking his head on the wood. "I is gettings too brave! Stupid Dobby! Harry Potter makes me act too boldly for a elf! Bad, stupid, pitiful Dobby!"

Butler and I observed this for a few moments, before he turned to me with a partly confused, partly sympathetic look. "Artemis, should I go stop him? Or something . . .?"

I tilted my head slightly, not even noticing how my chin bobbed in time with the elf's head smacking against the post. "No, no, see Butler. I don't think he's done yet."

"Artemis," Butler grunted with just an edge of annoyance.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, fine. Go stop him. I don't want a dent in my wood anyhow." More so, I was sick of being confused.

Butler walked over to the pitiful elf. He paused a moment, before promptly wrapping two massive hands around the elf's entire body, holding him still. The elf continued to wail. "Nooooo! I must punish myself! Dobby is a bad elf!" His little legs kicked violently beneath Butler's hands, but it was hardly a challenge for the trained bodyguard to constrain him.

I approached slowly, giving the squirmy elf a cold glare. "You are not a bad elf," I said curtly. There, that was somewhat comforting. "But you are a rather annoying and smelly elf. Not to mention dirty." And that was . . . not. Oh well. Now for some type of small talk. "What's your name?"

The elf sniffed, seemingly unperturbed by my insults. He had greenish skin and abnormally large eyes. His nose was long and pointed, and his two pointed ears were floppy and bent at the moment. I didn't feel the need to scrutinize his clothes - one, they were covered by Butler's hands, and two, I had practically kissed them before and I had no desire to find out anything else.

"I is Dobby," he answered dutifully. I had known that. It was hard to miss with him shouting it every five seconds. "I cames to get Master Fowl." That I didn't know.

Why, was on the edge of my lips, but Butler's voice interrupted. "What kind of elf ARE you?"

I sighed impatiently, I hated being interrupted, but that was a question on my mind as well so might as well get it over with.

"A house elf." It was female voice.

I whipped my head around to look towards the sound of the voice, coming from my window. Holly Short. My eyes narrowed slightly as she unstrapped her hummingbird wings and walked over to my side. "What are you doing at my house?" I questioned suspiciously.

"I was performing the ritual," she said curtly. I didn't miss how her gaze swiftly went the opposite direction of mine, her cheeks blushing slightly. I didn't question her further, either.

"A LEP-Recon!" Dobby squealed nervously, twitching even more.

"House elves live on the surface, but they aren't allowed to be seen by Mud People, or Muggles as they call them. They live strictly in the household of their masters."

"You just contradicted yourself, Captain. If they can't be seen by humans, then who are their masters?"

Holly glared at me, as if she despised my brain. It wasn't uncommon. She looked very reluctant to answer, shuffling her feet slightly. "We serve wizards!" Dobby provided, looking pleased he could successfully answer a question.

However, the happy look was quickly squashed as both Holly and Butler gave him dirty looks. Dobby looked frightened, but still confused as to why telling me was a bad thing. The elf and I were the same in that respect. Why they wouldn't want me to know is beyond my knowledge. And I have a very vast knowledge.

"Wizards?" I breathed, my eyes going wide. "There are such things as wizards?"

"Yeeees, and witches . . ." Dobby eyed me carefully. "I thought you was a genius - how cans you not knows about wizards?"

I tried not to show the bubbling excitement that had entered my stomach. I brought a hand to my chin, thoughtfully contemplating the situation. "Where could I find out more about these wizards and such?"

I heard Holly groan next to me. No doubt Butler would have groaned too, if he were permitted to groan about his employer's decisions.

"A book," I elaborated further, staring the elf down with my demanding gaze. "Is there a book telling about the wizarding ways?"

Dobby stared at me blankly for a few moments, before idly narrowing his eyes in thought, seemingly tossing the idea around in his head. "Dobby doesn't read many books, Artemis Fowl, but I does know there is far more than one. As many as Muggles have on themselves, I'd say . . ."

My eyes widened. That did broaden my search a bit - possibly endless . . . but my determination didn't falter. "Any idea where to get these?"

Dobby shook his head rapidly, ears flopping into his cheeks. "Why so many questions? You is making Dobby's head hurt!"

I sighed. I had been right about the intelligent part. My brain worked to think of an idea to get more information on wizards, specifically if they had anything valuable I could use. "Well," I began, sweetening my tone as best I could. Which wasn't much. "May I at least ask why you came to my house in the first place?"

Dobby's face lit up. "Oh yes!" He probably would have clapped, if his hands had been free. Then his face went rather sullen, an embarrassed sad look on his face. "Er . . well, Dobby isn't very good at readings, but Harry Potter asks Dobby to read an inscription he has. It is in Gnomish, and a little in fairy and dwarf, but Dobby never learns how to reads it. Dobby is too ashamed to ask any other type of magical creatures for help . . . but then an underground working elf tells Dobby of Artemis Fowl, a Muggle who can translate those things, a genius they says. So Dobby leaves to find this Artemis Fowl and gets back before the new year at Hogwarts starts."

I understood him for the most part, though some of the names confused me. They must not have confused Holly because her elven face scrunched up in irritation and she said, "No need to drag a human into this, I can just translate--"

"Don't talk till I say so!" I hissed quickly, determined not to have my plans flushed down the 'Holly Express' by something avoidable. SHE still had to obey the book, and she was in my house. Her mouth clamped shut, instead using her facial efforts to give me a furious look.

It had no effect on me. I turned back to Dobby. "First things first, who is this Harry Potter person?"

The slimy elf looked as if I had slapped him in the face. "Who is Harry Potter?! You is asking me WHO IS HARRY POTTER?!" He let out a distressed squeal. "You is a stupid, stupid Muggle."

Holly nodded her head up and down quickly in agreement, a triumphant look in her eyes. I glared at her spitefully. I couldn't let this ruin my chances. Nothing a harmless lie couldn't fix, more or less, right? "I was just kidding. I know all about Harry Potter!" Please buy that.

He did. "Oh! Okay then, if you is just kiddings." He gave me a shy smile.

Holly gaped at Dobby in disbelief before promptly taking a few steps forward to Butler's side, banging her head continuously against his leg. Butler glanced down at her with an emphatic look before his stone mask returned. He obviously shared her sentiments.

I paid neither of them any mind. I gave Dobby a precarious smile. "How about I just go to Hogwarts with you, translate everything you need, and then leave?"

"I don't know . . ." Dobby began skeptically, chewing his lip, "I don't thinks Muggles is allowed in Hogwarts . . ."

My face fell. Butler let out a breath of relief.

". . . but _outside_ Hogwarts, maybe."

I almost jumped up and kissed the dirty little elf, but personal hygiene limits kept me from doing so. "By all means, I could stay in a tent for those few couple of days!" Did I intend to _stay_ outside? No. Did I even intend to stay for a mere few days? Absolutely not - much longer.

Dobby was beginning to get more and more anxious, and I almost feared he'd start hurting himself again, but finally he managed to say, "Okay. . ."

Inside, I was doing loud whoops and cartwheels. "Thank you," was all I gave out on the outside. "But you have to stay here, so I know how to get to Hogwarts . . ."

"Oooh! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!" The poor elf finally broke down, hitting his head now on Butler's wrists.

Butler grunted and nodded to me. "I'll take care of him . . ."

After they left, Holly reeled on me, pointing with emphasis to her lips. I smirked, giving her a mock innocent look. "What's that, Captain? You want me to kiss you or something?"

She turned beet red, giving me a fire spitted glare. She lunged forward and latched onto my neck. At first, I didn't believe she would really choke me, but then I felt my windpipes slowly being crushed. "Okay, okay," I wheezed. "You can talk if you wish . . . "

She released me with a satisfied grin. "'Bout time!"

". . . but," I added, rubbing my sore throat. "You can't tell Dobby anything that would deter him from taking me to this Hogwarts. I'm not so proud that I won't admit I need a guide."

Holly frowned. "What am I? Chopped liver?"

My eyes narrowed at her implication. "You're coming?"

She scoffed, folding her arms across her chest. "Naturally. He may know about Hogwarts, but you're going to need some type of magical assistance to get around." She nodded towards the soft thumping noises, followed by a muffled, 'Stop it!' from Butler. "You'll end up dead or something with just him."

I doubted I'd end up dead, but I'd just as well boost her ego a little. "Alright fine, you can come. Are you connected with Foaly?"

"Duh."

"Good." We would be needing him too. Tomorrow I would find out more about this wizard world . . .

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_**TBC**_

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Preview: _Oh it's to Diagon Alley we go . . . brooms are for sweeping not flying, says Butler._

**Heeto's Marvelous Author Notes:** Hm, so I see you made it all the way to the bottom. Rather surprising to say the least. I'm not one to beg for reviews, but seeing as you DID make it to the bottom, you might as well tell me if my wasted life is any good or not, ne?


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